my wife won't talk to me!!?

Arran · #1 05-07-2007, 20:35

i can see she has asked a question on here about her worries that she has PND. we have six week old triplets and have been together for 12 years. we are only 23 and i am worried that we have grown apart since i returned to work from paternity leave. i work a 12 hour shift (usually 8am - 8pm) and i leave the house at 7am and i'm not back until 9pm.whenever i see her now she is crying or looking very distant. i try to kiss her hello when i come in and she ignores me or whenever i try to talk to her she says very little.i have very little training in psycological matters as i am trainee surgeon.i am so worried about her. she won't talk to me about anything. i feel that she's bottling everything up.how can i get her to open up. i love her so much and i hate seeing her like thisi would love to talk to her right now but i can't - i'm at work until midnight and i am only on a quick breakshe is an orphan and she hates my mum. she won't have her helping her at allwe really cannot afford for me to take any more days off work for a while as she is on maternity leave and i cannot take any more days off! we discussed how long i could take off and we agreed that we couldn't manage itfor annie awe were together at 11 but we never properly got together till about 15 (as in being proper boyfriend and girlfriend)i live in scotland so yes it is possible.if you just want to criticise don't bother answering the question

Shady23 · #2 05-07-2007, 21:15

How about you both turn off the computer and talk to EACH OTHER instead of to strangers on the internet?

mumof3 · #3 05-07-2007, 22:26

here here shady23.....this is normal after having 1 baby...so she feels 3 tgimes as worse as what i ever did after having mine....gosh i feel for u both

juicybabe21092 · #4 05-07-2007, 22:45

why dont you sit her down and tell her how you feel..im sure you have already. maybe you guys need to go into marrage counseling. suggest it..maybe more intamate sex. you know she might be acting weird because she feels guilty about something..you never know.hope things work out.

Peanut · #5 05-07-2007, 22:55

she is exhausted or has PND and she needs professional support which is more than anyone on here can give you. she needs as much help and attention as you can give her even tho she's pushing you away she needs to know you love her. she's probably suffering from lack of sleep too!

yonnecoronado · #6 05-07-2007, 23:05

have you ever heard of POST PARTUM DEPRESSION? might want to see a doctor. she feels abandoned because you where home helping with the kids and now your not. plus having to take care of three kids is probably taxing as hell. she needs a helping hand, its not easy to take of A CHILD let alone 3.

jess_n_flip · #7 05-07-2007, 23:25

Maybe stay home and help her more. read the question i just wrote. I tell you some men dont realize how easy they have it.

bugbeacon2 · #8 06-07-2007, 00:25

you sound like a caring guy, but you both have to face facts - it's really hard having a baby and keeping up a normal relationship those first months, much less THREE babies! She's probably going a bit insane being at home with 3 babies. She's probably dead tired. You should ask her what you can do to help. And besides what you can do, can you get her some help during the day? Family? If not that, do you have any extra $$ to hire even a college student to help her out? I'm not saying the babies should be left with a sitter, but someone around the house to hold one baby while she's feeding the other, etc. Don't expect too much at this difficult time. However, if you are truly worred that somethimg more dangerous is going on - like getting so depressed that she might harm herself or the kids, get her some help pronto!

kpk · #9 06-07-2007, 00:35

Maybe it's not PND, people are very quick to assume that there's something medically wrong. It might just be that she's feeling angry and fed up because she's been left to look after the babies and she feels as though you're not helping out. She's only human after all.Is there any way that you could ask at work if you can reduce the number of hours you do so that you can be there and see your kids growing up. You will only get one chance.

Joanne P · #10 06-07-2007, 00:56

When I had my PND I found that my husband would say things to me and I would hear them very differently. For example one conversation went along the lines of him asking me what I had been up to during the day and all I heard was how worthless and useless I was.It wasn't until I managed to get help from the community health team that I realised what was happening. It didn't mean that I didn't still hear things the wrong way for a while but at least I was aware of what was happening.I was also very frightened of talking to my husband as I thought that he would be very disappointed in me! (My husband has always been very supportive of everything I do). However, once I did, we managed to pull together as a team.Without trying to tell you what to do as each persons experience will be unique to them, try and get her external support so that she can confide in them and then in turn you.Lots of luck with everything xXx

Localbird · #11 06-07-2007, 01:05

I think PND comes with a degree of shame, I have it and I felt really ashamed of it, like my Husband might think I was mad. It is so overwhelming being home alone all day with babies and hard work aswell and if your depressed you dont feel up to facing the outside world much.If she isnt getting treatment things could well get worse so the first port of call is the Dr's, she should be due a six week check any time now, My Husband came with me on the pretence of waiting in the waiting room but when the Doc called me in he came in with me and said how down I was. I was furious at first but now I am two weeks into anti deppressants I am quite grateful. If you dont feel up to that maybe a discreet call to the health visitor and ask her to pop out to see your wife and tell her what the problem is, its her job to make sure your wife is fine as well as the babes.Finally I would try and get friends or family to call in, you dont have to tell them why if you dont want to just say she may need a hand, sometimes that can help. Also time for the two of you is essential even if its just a chinese and a DVD on a friday night.Whatever you do please try and get help, when she comes up from rock bottom she will be able to talk to you more.Good luck with everything, I know how hard it can be but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Jen B · #12 06-07-2007, 01:16

Post-partum depression. I had a baby 4 months ago and for about a month every little thing made me cry and I didn't want to talk to my husband after he went back to work (2 wks after the delivery) Just do your best to help her with the babies when you are home and if you don't do it already call her during the day just to check in and tell her that you love her and the babies. My son was our first child, It is very overwhelming (and she has three). It will get better just be there for her. I know it's tough I look back now and can only imagine how my husband felt but it sometimes happens after giving birth.

princess tillis · #13 06-07-2007, 01:57

Thats nice that you are worried..but she 23 and has six week old triplets, its bad enough to have one child let alone triplets. Just relax and when shes ready to talk and let you know the problem she will, and she may need to get checked to see if she pnd or some other problem. relax

galsassychick · #14 06-07-2007, 07:22

have you had a visit from your health visitor yet? if not contact your surgery and ask for one. I found them to be incredibly supportive and they can put you in touch with an organisation called homestart wtho offer help and support to young families. Good luck and hang in there, as my mum always said 'this too shall pass'

chicky · #15 06-07-2007, 07:25

To be honest my passed experience as a new mum 4 years ago and being a wife and not seeing my husband due to work commitments for a long time I blamed him for feeling so low within myself. Your wife's emotional state will most probably be a rollercoster ride for the next 3-4 months until her hormones chemically start to balance back to pre pregnancy. Then between you, you will be able to work out how to get back to being Mr and Mrs not robot Mum and Dad.You show that you love your wife very much please have the patients to wait for her to open up and talk she may be in the frame of mind where she is so consumed with how to cope with the changes in her life with the new born that she has forgot that you are their to support her.if you can get a baby sitter and take her out for a day or night to enjoy something where she can be herself and not Mummy. Keep telling her how much you love her and re assure her that you are there to talk when ever she needs it.From my experience it has took me and my husband 3 years to get back to being a loving couple who understand each other not just acting as two people that share the same house.You will get there!