A river pilot is guiding a ship up an estuary. Suddenly the ship grounds itself. The captain is furious. He yells at the pilot 'You said you knew every sandbank in this river!' 'I do,' says the pilot 'And that was one of them.'

'If you look like your passport photograph, in all probability you need a holiday'

A train steward calls the police after coming across a young couple having sex in a carriage. The young man is arrested for having a first-class ride with a second-class ticket.

Don't forget, when in Rome.... be an awkward bastard and do as the Belgians do.

I had a terrible holiday, it only rained twice, once for three days and once for four.

I got some travel sweet but they were useless. I ate the whole packet and didn't go anywhere.

Tom and Dick are comparing notes on their summer holiday. 'I was staying in a hotel in Poole' says Tom. 'In Dorset?' asks Dick. 'Certainly' says Tom ' I'd recommend it to anyone'.

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